


Mamihlapinatapei

by merlypops



Series: Beautiful Words - 5SOS Stories [2]
Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Angst, Childhood Friends, Childhood Memories, Enemies to Friends, Falling In Love, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, M/M, Mamihlapinatapei, Memories, Michael-centric, Self-Harm, Slice of Life, Snippets, fetus 5sos
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-20
Updated: 2014-08-20
Packaged: 2018-02-13 23:21:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,205
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2169123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/merlypops/pseuds/merlypops
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>'Michael remembers sitting in the cafeteria at school and gazing at Calum with such fondness and feeling a jolt of shock when Calum returned the look just as warmly, and Michael remembers wondering vaguely when they stopped being brothers and started being something else instead.'</p><p>
  <b>Michael falls in love with his best friend and it feels like being torn apart.</b>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mamihlapinatapei

**Author's Note:**

> I just really love writing " _oneshots inspired by pretty words_ ".  
> I don't even know what I'm doing anymore really.  
> Enjoy!

**mamihlapinatapei**

_the wordless, yet meaningful look shared by two people who both desire to initiate something but are both reluctant to start._

 

Michael Clifford never had a problem with stating what he wanted outright before he met Calum Hood.

Then everything got a little bit harder.

Sometimes Michael wanted the last slice of pizza or first pick of the chocolate bars in the drawer at the bottom of Calum’s fridge. Sometimes Michael wanted to choose the video game because Calum only _ever_ wanted to play Guitar Hero and it always grated on Michael’s nerves, and Michael couldn’t even _remember_ the last time he’d played his Simpsons skateboarding game.

Sometimes Michael got frightened of relying on Calum so much and he wanted to push him away, like he’d done to everyone else except maybe his mother.

Michael never did any of this though. Calum got to eat the pizza (well… sometimes Michael made him _share_ it but it still counted), and Calum got to have the last packet of Maltesers (and maybe Michael preferred Mars bars but it was still _nice_ of him), and maybe Calum got to play Guitar Hero ( _sometimes_ – Michael normally got bored and started whining until Calum gave in), and Michael would never, _ever_ push Calum away because Calum was _special_ and Michael didn’t know what he’d do without him.

Michael thought Calum was maybe the brother he’d never had.

Calum taught Michael to play football and Michael showed Calum all of the secret ways to win the Simpsons skateboarding game, and Michael shared his dried apricot pieces at lunchtime at the park and Calum once told a teacher that _he’d_ thrown the pencil pot across the room instead of Michael because Luke Hemmings had “ _looked at him funny_ ”.

(And maybe Michael had loudly disagreed with Calum and confessed to the teacher in front of _everyone_ immediately afterwards, but Calum had – as Michael so dramatically put it – “sacrificed himself” and it was definitely the thought that counted).

Michael asked Calum once at one of their sleepovers whether he was ever going to bed bored of being Michael’s best friend, and Michael remembers the way that Calum giggled, kissed him on the end of the nose and told him that he was more than enough and that Michael was his “best friend forever friend”, even if it didn’t really make any sense.

Michael thinks he might always remember that.

He remembers that one day after school during Sports Relief when all of the shops were selling red hairspray, and Michael remembers completely _covering_ his hair and deciding then that it looked pretty cool different colours. Calum had laughed and made a long list of different combinations to try, and then the pair of them had tried to colour Michael’s hair in with Mali’s felt tip pens and they’d got shouted at by both of their parents. Michael remembers waiting until the grownups had left the room before he laughed so hard he cried. (Michael remembers how his mother shouted: “Michael Clifford, I heard that!” from outside the door. Michael remembers not getting any dessert that night after dinner).

Michael remembers when he picked up a guitar for the first time. He found it in the corner of their music classroom’s cupboard after he was sent to collect the xylophone for a demonstration, and he remembers how the guitar had been abandoned because the students in there before had forgotten to put it away properly, and Michael remembers sitting cross-legged on the ground and playing a few chords experimentally.

He remembers sitting in the cupboard for the majority of the lesson before the teacher sent a student (not Calum because they would have stayed in there all day just messing around) to retrieve him, and he remembers the way the girl said: “Wow, you’re good. How long have you been playing?” and Michael remembers smirking slightly and saying: “About forty five minutes.”

He remembers the awestruck expression in Calum’s bright, brown eyes when he showed him what he had discovered after they had snuck in there at lunchtime.

Michael thought that might have been the day he noticed the precise, chocolate shade of Calum Hood’s eyes for the first time.

When Michael was eleven, he got sick. Not _really_ sick but ill enough that he had to stay at home for a few weeks. He spent the entire time lying in bed and glaring at the ceiling when he wasn’t sleeping fitfully with a cold flannel lying on his forehead, and he remembers wishing fervently for a mobile phone so that he could text Calum, but his mum wouldn’t let him.

He remembers how he went back to school with a spring in his step and almost fell down when he saw Calum and _Luke Hemmings_ sitting together outside the science classroom in _Michael and Calum’s spot_. He remembers making a small, shocked sound and Calum’s head shot up in shock and Luke went bright red, and Michael remembers storming off and refusing to talk to Calum for well over a _month_.

That was the first time Michael cut.

He remembers the way his arm stung even though it barely bled at all, and he remembers the tears welling up in his eyes as the desperation he felt lessened slightly, only to return a hundred times worse, and Michael remembers falling into a pattern: get home from school, don’t think about Calum, talk to mum in the kitchen for ten minutes, don’t think about Calum, deflect her offer of a snack, go upstairs, cut, shower, eat dinner, don’t think about Calum, go to bed, think about Calum a _lot_ , cry.

Michael remembers how it dragged on and on, every day worse than the last until Calum confronted him one day in PE and pushed him up against the outside wall of the changing rooms. Michael remembers not resisting in the slightest and the confusion that bloomed in Calum’s beautiful ( _no_ , stupid!) brown eyes. He remembers Calum saying: “What are we _doing_ , Mikey?” and enveloping him in a hug, and Michael remembers trying really, _really_ hard not to cry (and failing dismally) because Calum was with him again and the pain was finally over. (Except it wasn’t.)

Michael remembers when he went to stay at Calum’s house again for the first time after their argument, and he remembers the tears welling up in his eyes when he knocked on the door and Luke Hemmings appeared over Calum’s shoulder as he opened it.

Michael remembers almost walking away but Calum said: “ _Please_ , Mikey” in a soft voice and Michael remembers giving in then because he’s never been able to deny Calum anything – not pizza, not Guitar Hero, not even replacing him with _Luke Hemmings_ – because Calum was special.

Michael remembers waiting until Luke fell asleep that night and how Michael rolled over on the big mattress on Calum’s bedroom floor and clung to Calum like a limpet. He remembers whispering: “I thought I was enough for you” and how Calum made this little choking sound and wrapped him up in a hug. He remembers how the younger boy promised that Michael was still his “best friend forever friend” and he kissed him on the nose again.

Michael remembers how he and Calum stared at each other in comfortable silence before they fell asleep, their noses almost touching.

Michael remembers when Calum saw the fresh cuts littering Michael’s pale skin when _Luke Hemmings_ had accidentally knocked his sleeve back. Michael remembers locking himself in the bathroom at Luke’s house and trying to muffle his cries in the crook of his elbow, and he remembers Calum pleading with him through the door to come out but Calum’s mum came to get him eventually and took him home, and Michael texted his mum and lied about how Luke had invited him to stay over.

It didn’t turn out to be a lie in the end.

Michael remembers how Luke sat on the floor outside the bathroom for a long time, just humming softly as he waited for Michael to calm down a little, and then Michael remembers how Luke unlocked the door from the outside without warning (Luke declared many years later that his secret had been a coin in the lock) and let himself in, shutting the door quickly behind him.

Michael remembers how he stared at Luke balefully but fought to keep silent, his pale face whiter than usual, the bags under his bloodshot eyes almost purple. Michael remembers how Luke wordlessly drew back his own sleeve and showed Michael the numerous faded scars marring the inside of his wrist.

Michael thinks maybe he’s never hugged someone so hard in his life before, until Calum runs up to him at school the next day and tries to crush all of Michael’s internal organs (and Michael isn’t complaining because he _loves_ Calum’s hugs – hell, he loves _Calum_ and isn’t _that_ a terrifying thing to realise?! Except it isn’t, not really, because he thinks maybe he’s _always_ loved Calum but it’s just starting to change into something _new_ recently.)

Michael remembers sitting in the cafeteria at school and gazing at Calum with such _fondness_ and feeling a jolt of shock when Calum returned the look just as warmly, and Michael remembers wondering vaguely when they stopped being brothers and started being something else instead.

Michael remembers Luke’s knowing look and tiny smile, and thinking that maybe the blond giant wasn’t so bad after all, even if he _did_ have all of the grace and agility of a new-born giraffe. (Michael remembers laughing at that analogy for a long time).

Michael remembers how they decided to make a band after Luke’s YouTube channel came to light. The oldest boy remembers planning all sorts of stupid comments and things he could tease Luke about until he actually _heard_ Luke sing and was so shocked he spilt his chocolate milk all over himself.

Michael remembers begging his mum for his own guitar, and he remembers picking it up just as quickly a second time. He remembers teaching Calum the basics before the boy decided he preferred bass instead, so Michael helped Luke instead.

He remembers their first gig and how they realised they needed a drummer, and he remembers when he realised that Ashton Irwin – the friend of his next-door-neighbour’s _son’s_ best friend – would fit the bill perfectly. He remembers how much everyone loved Ashton, and how well Ashton got on with Calum and Luke, and Michael remembers not even being _jealous_ because Ashton was like sunshine in human form, and it was impossible to even _pretend_ to dislike someone like that.

Michael remembers when he thought up the name _5 Seconds of Summer_.

He remembers the ecstasy and fear and excitement in Calum’s face when he looked at Michael after _One Direction_ asked them to go on tour with them, and Michael remembers being so frightened by the undisguised _love_ in his best friend’s eyes that he looked away, desperate for more and yet unwilling, because Michael was always fucking things up – had for as long as he could remember in fact – and he flat-out _refused_ to fuck this up too.

Michael remembers how the band got asked to this party of Rita Ora’s once and how they were all in the garden at night getting drunk, and he remembers how loud the music was and the burn of the vodka on its way down his throat, and Michael remembers how Calum’s lips brushed his and Michael remembers running away like he’d been _burned_ , and Michael remembers the heartbreak plain on Calum’s face as he let him go.

Michael remembers how awkward the weeks afterwards were. He remembers picking up the razor blade again and he remembers how Calum wouldn’t eat much, just stayed in his bunk all the time and hid, and Michael remembers waiting until Luke and Ashton had gone to sleep before he climbed up onto Calum’s bed.

He remembers how his ‘best friend forever friend’ gave this tiny whimper of pain when he saw who it was, and Michael remembers kind of wanting to punch himself in the face for hurting Calum. He remembers how Calum asked: “What are you doing, Mikey? I thought you didn’t want this” when Michael hesitantly lay down beside him, gently resting his cheek on Calum’s chest as his arm looped around the younger boy’s waist.

Michael remembers how he pressed his lips gently to the underside of Calum’s jaw and whispered: “I want this more than you know. But I’m scared. I’m not enough for you” and he remembers how Calum forgot about being too manly to cry for once, and the way the tears rolled down his cheeks at Michael’s words.

Michael remembers how Calum gently stroked the scars lining Michael’s wrists, his touch loving instead of disgusted, and Michael remembers thinking: ‘ _Fuck it, this is the man I’m going to marry._ ’

(He still feels like that ten years later and tells Calum so when he gets down on one knee with a ring.)

Michael remembers the way Calum finally surged forwards and pressed his lips to Michael’s, and Michael remembers the way their first kiss felt like coming home.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you guys liked this! Please leave comments and kudos to let me know what you thought!  
> I listened to 5SOS' cover of "American Idiot", "Amnesia (Live at Wembley)" and Ash's demo vocal of "Don't Stop" while reading this and it gave me really bad feels and it kind of works so you might wanna try that :)


End file.
